Dan Daiquiri

It’s mad man, like an actual couple of drinks can alter your entire mindset. I wish I was able to be half as expressive as I am whilst drunk. Like this is hard to explain but do you ever feel like you’ve hit a point in which you are in a repetitive cycle of life, my repetitive cycle has been around for at the very least 5 years- I remember before the cycle kicked in. Back then things were different- I, of course, had hopes, dreams and fears although then was a lot simpler as most of my fears stemmed from possibly not having my jobseekers book filled out properly. The scale between fears, worries and anxieties of the previous Dan and now is that now there is a lot more on the line. The feeling of being caught in a cycle but not being able to break free are terrifying however it is a situation I struggle with daily in regards to always battling the inner demon, like I personally feel I’ve never had a normal shot at adult life- like instead of a definitive routine like Autumn Sunset number 4 on a Dulux colour chart my brain and temptations hit me out to a mixed bag of all the grays, yellows, blues and fucking purples not even from the Dulux range. I feel that I missed a part in life which normally is the kind of cut off point for people, like maybe I’m just misreading things in life but I never feel content and the only way I can compare it to is the feeling as soon as you have taken your first line of prop- the craving to do more or at very least always do something. Although no matter what you do, you are never fully relaxed or happy.

I see people I know getting married, having children or buying houses and think to myself, “How did I miss that memo?”. It’s actually madness, I don’t understand how I’m kind of stuck in limbo between distinct personas of myself and that is the battle. I wish I could have ended up being in a better situation than I am now I’m away to be 26, however, I am entirely grateful for where I am today and the beautiful people who I know in my life. I just kind of ask the longing question of “What If?”, What if I had stayed on in school until the end? What if I had continued working on my creativity? What if I had never tried to be the centre of peoples life? What if I, in fact, had never believed that alcohol calms me? What if I had made it? What if I never left university? What if…. What if.

The truth is, I love life and am forever grateful for every moment I am on this planet and get to spend time with some of the best people ever. However, I sometimes wish I’d taken the blue pill, woken up and ended up as a drone to society with a happy marriage, mortgage and minor health concerns. The truth is many moons ago I took the red pill which made me realise how doomed the world is, made me partially socially inept and lead to a feeling of constant despair and disrepair.

I guess on one side I am jealous of people who have their shit together but on the other hand, I don’t regret the situational education I have underwent since I hit the age of 18. Maybe things could have been different however I am who I am, and one day I will hopefully hit the emotion that some call happy.