Dan Daiquiri

Today I returned to the realm of the living after being stuck in autopilot mode for the past week, the automatic somewhat robot-like drone not taking a minute to realise the beauty of life and just being stuck in what felt like a constant cycle of chores. Dreading leaving bed, dreading work, dreading everything. This of course lead to once again another dip in mood, this seems to be a recurring pattern but as I go through more of these regularly it’s almost as if I am learning the boundaries and understanding what causes these feelings, my triggers, catalysts and ultimately in turn learning how to control it. See written it seems a lot easier to execute, like reading blog posts which pop up in your news feed “Ten tips to combat depression” and “How to control your social anxiety”- These however tend to basically offer the same points although in reality it’s executed on an individual level and as such many choices which must be made to control these are very specific to each person and their situation.

So today I got out of bed as soon as I woke, went for a coffee as the sun was shining, had Jon Hopkins blasting on Spotify. From this I let my mind wander, now I’ve noticed this weird pattern develop on my right pinkie nail for a few weeks so decided I would become the freelance Google doctor everybody does when they get a little bit paranoid about an abnormality. So, after a few possible diagnoses, I think the most realistic one was caused by some form of malnutrition and to be honest it’s more than likely the truest one out there. Now through my ups and downs, one thing that became a common occurrence was I’d lose my appetite when going through a low point and sometimes literally have one meal a day (meal was sometimes not even a full meal). My intake of food tends to mainly not include anything of any nutritional benefit never mind any substance behind it, so this lead to a realisation and the decision to make myself a commitment and begin putting steps in place to eat a bit healthier and generally work towards a normal diet- like come on I’m 25 with the diet of a 10-year-old that needs to change.

From this realisation came another which I’ve had floating around my head for ages but it’s more just an observation of the cycle of life, feelings and how to change them. See it’s easy to fall into a pattern of negative thinking which leads to a negative energy around you, positivity is the same but harder to keep a hold of. Now when you look at the picture as a whole you have a paradox of not caring about yourself because you feel depressed or low and being depressed and feeling low because you don’t care about yourself. Once again this looks simple on paper but the truth behind it is totally there and there is definitely a link between these- The way I feel today in regards to motivation, energy and almost a feeling of self-worth and happiness all stemmed from breaking the automatic routine of staying in bed for an hour- choosing to go out in the sun and relax.

See it’s easy to blame others and certain situations for where your mind is at and how you are feeling, now sometimes this is the case but more often than not everything is down to you and you have the sole responsibility for your own wellbeing both in a physical and mental capacity- if you don’t feel good today, make the decision to break your cycle and try doing something different to break autopilot.

It’s time to stop being so reckless with some of my decisions, to stop worrying about every tiny little detail in areas of my life which really don’t actually matter in reality, to start doing things a bit different- find that equilibrium in life balanced with the drive to work and above all else recharge myself both mentally and physically without letting it slip into laziness. We spend our lives seeking the validation of others when we should seek out validation from ourselves in turn developing a degree of happiness and self-respect. From this the validation you previously sought will have turned into self-respect and admiration from the eyes of others.