Dan Daiquiri

(Written in July)

June was some month, from the moment I had entered it I had a clear vision and clear goals. Previously I’d made a list of things to achieve over the month- many of which I have, or have made a steady effort to maintain. However the thing that’s kind of hit me again today is essentially the same thing that hits me all the time. I am lumbered in such a deep financial hole with so many outgoings per month and not only that the fact that I can pretty much never spend time with anybody without feeling the need to drink kind of leads to a Catch 22 situation. I think essentially to drown out the sounds of others problems, sounds harsh but I guess it’s true. I know way too many pessimistic people and I feel that may be something I need to change.

I find myself quite optimistic, and for the most part of the entire month I was I guess for the most part happy. I think this was mainly down to my active effort into rerouting the way I think through various means. Going to the gym regularly assisted in this alongside reading self help books both of which worked in synergy to generate a different version of myself.

(Written in mid September)

This was around the same time I was promoted to bar supervisor in my previous job, an air of excitement surrounded me- finally the chance to possibly change the challenging aspects of the actual place itself and possibly make a difference. I did however find myself essentially doing the same job, and whilst it was great having that kind of boost of motivation and title behind me I also felt a bit undermined as I wasn’t the only one who was promoted at the same time. It had felt like all my absolute slaving away and going that extra mile for all of my colleagues and customers was essentially meaningless. I guess all of the above- losing the feeling of a regular life, earning less money and the inability for any change to be possible through either a lack of communication, lack of commitment or lack of care on the behalf of everyone else was part to blame. I have always given my all to my work and I guess it was the feeling of it not being replicated back was also another reason which kickstarted my brain into another pursuit, to find a new job.

After deciding to find another job I did face a few dilemmas to ponder:

1. Do I find another job in Glasgow and stay in the same living environment which made me extremely miserable in the first place hoping it may solve it?
2. Do I stay in the job I am in and simply move flat and take the gamble whether I’ll still be miserable?
3. Do I move back to Dundee before the tourism boom occurs, get a new job AND a new flat?
4. Do I do number 3 but also use the fact I am in a way entering a new environment as a way to overhaul my life and start living how I want to?

The answer was simple, I’d already gambled quite a bit the past few years and decided that this was not a time to gamble. This was a time for me to reclaim what I had lost over the past 10 years since leaving school, sometimes lost more than others but still essentially the same. There was always something I was trying to blame for my decisions, If I moved back to Dundee I needed to make sure I got my shit together or my time in Glasgow meant nothing and I ‘d be back to 2016.

Throughout my life I was never really fitness or sport orientated, I never seen the point of it all I almost felt like it just made people tired- And why the hell would you want that? I liked feeling motivated, driven and generally alert. It was around November that I went to the doctor to talk to them and hope for a diagnosis, I knew in my head that I wasn’t right and hadn’t been for years the worst being in the aftermath of my years of alcohol and drug abuse- this was still an issue I wrestled regularly however in the aftermath it was not a daily thing, more a binge on days off. But a binge to the old version of Dan was what could have killed many people and I guess I need to thank my internal organs for still being there now, I promise I will look after you now. Anyway back to the doctor I literally went there for I suppose a bit of clarity and a “quick fix” was what I expected to get- especially after going very deep into my past experiences, my suicidal periods in life and the couple of attempts. This was the expectation- “Here you go Mr.Docherty, here is some pills- take this many in the morning, this many at night and you’ll feel amazing”. Instead I was met a diagnosis of mild depression and social anxiety disorder, this I had already kind of thought it was (apart from when I thought I may be bipolar due to my major shifts in mood. The remedy I was met with?- “Have you ever tried reading up on mental illness, mindfulness, meditation, stopping abusing substances and getting some exercise or going to the gym?”.

At this moment I almost felt tears welling up in my ducts as I swallowed trying to hold them back, fighting it trying to not look “silly”. “Thank you” I said whilst clenching my fists. I left and felt almost I’d been cheated, there was no way I would have been able to fix my brain and the constant thoughts flying through by simply going to the gym or meditating. How wrong I was, as it turns out the release of endorphins over 30 minutes of exercise daily definitely helps regulate mood, provides clearer thinking and also generally provides a great boost in motivation. Going to the gym, jogging and generally working out daily has been one step to help me help myself.

The past three months in particular have provided the best results, as previously mentioned I have found myself reading a lot specifically self-help books based around depression and anxiety but there are three in particular in which I would recommend you run out and buy if you suffer from any sort of depression, anxiety or a range of other disorders. Although I recommend these I am in no way saying they will cure you of all your issues, I simply feel they have fully altered my perspective on life and in doing so it has allowed me to control my own thoughts and feelings in a lot more detail.

I would recommend reading these in this order;

First up “The subtle art of not giving a f**k”- Mark Manson, 2018

This was the first book I read and it entirely overhauled all the negative feelings I was putting myself through, I never wanted this book to end as it was very cleverly written and although quite comedic at times did have the serious underlining to be able to reach out to a larger demographic of readers with mental disorders.

Second “F**k it: Be at peace with life just as it is”- John Parkin, 2018

There appears to be a theme here with book titles and the word “f**k”, anyway very similar to the first but a bit different this book helped me be a bit more thankful for where I am at in life and not to sit and fantasize what I aim to do in a years’ time, two years’ time etc. I guess that’s where a lot of us go wrong always trying to plan way ahead or thinking of worst case scenarios. This book helped me take life as it is now, now I am in no way saying “Do not set goals or have dreams” but simply do not get lost in them.

Lastly “Notes on a nervous planet”- Matt Haig, 2018

I literally finished this book yesterday and it was absolutely amazing, I loved Matt Haig’s style of writing, relevance and comparisons he makes within the book. Although predominantly based around mental health this book does go a bit deeper and talks about how technology is also influencing the way we think and act- it also addresses marketing and how it can help contribute to us feeling so miserable all the time. Hands down, give these books a try they may help shift your perspective and be the catalyst to a positive change.

(Written one week later)

So at this moment I have been back in Dundee for over 3 weeks, the first three days I kind of had a bit of a crazy alcohol fuelled binge when I should have been doing the usual things involved with moving house- buying a bed and the lot. I did get there however and I can safely say that I have managed to centre myself both mentally and feel a lot better physically too. I have stopped drinking but also smoking at the same time and that appears to have had a profound effect on the way I think

(Written after I’d had enough of the bullshit)

This post has been the product of many back and forth scenarios and as such will be posted as of 4/10/18 at around 2am. I feel the need to post this now as what I have been through since the 28/9/18 has absolutely annihilated my brain and left me mentally exhausted. That plus other wee elements creeping in have left my mentality at the start of a new cycle of recovery,

If I was still how I used to be I can guarantee I would self destruct.