Dan Daiquiri

I left my life behind when I chased this chance of progression- and a gamble it was, like all gambles, there’s always a chance you will lose.

Recently I have been pretty quiet, and not necessarily on purpose- more quiet to allow my mind to place the pieces of the jigsaw in the right place- I feel that’s the best way to describe how my brain processes things. There’s always hundreds of unrelated thoughts and ideas floating about (these are the jigsaw pieces) then give me the exact conditions and I can envisage precisely where these pieces go to provide the overall picture. This has been a tough puzzle to solve, or even attempt. If this was an actual boxed game or jigsaw it would carry a very high age rating or competency level. Now I’m going to reflect on what kind of things have been going on over the past couple months and where my mind is at.

Now it’s very likely my plan from now is infact to move back to Glasgow, the key reason being I left my life behind when I chased this chance of progression- and a gamble it was, like all gambles, there’s always a chance you will lose. The thing that ever so slightly complicates this is that Dundee is my original hometown although over my time in Glasgow it felt more of a hometown to me- so of course being back here is great for one reason and one reason alone- that I have my family close by, that is also the complication of making the decision to leave again. So allow me to contextualise this whole scenario- You have been offered a job in a town which is the next step above your current point in your career- along with the sudden increase in wages you would be able to save money, clear your debt and finally travel and find yourself. This offer seems great, you have so many promises of which just made the deal better- the ability to truly showcase your talents, to mentor others, to fully work to your full potential. You leave everything you have been building for two years, friends, reputation and opportunities to do this- returning to your hometown, almost with an air of excitement, this is it.

Then after your first month back, working to the bone day in day out, building up past friendships, trying to bring the psyche you had nurtured and developed back to Dundee find out that you had not been paid for one and two that the company you worked for was so deep in fraudulent activities and very questionable business practices. Take a minute and imagine your finances after that initial blow of not being paid, having no money at all as you had spent most of that buying furniture, a new TV and also new suits all of which felt completely necessary at the time. The company you worked for then places itself into administration from which stems a two month battle of non-stop communications, meetings and finding out further lies and deception you had been subject to. You of course get yourself a job in the meantime to tide you over in a well established reputable bar which almost mirrored my professional interests- although in doing this you are back two steps in terms of step on a career ladder- something you had worked so hard to move up over the years now makes you feel like you have wasted a lot of time and energy and for what?

Bear all of this in mind and put yourself into the same situation- You left everything you had, were lied to, lost your rhythm, screwed your finances up and took a couple steps back in your career. I can place a few emotions, feelings and moods in there which would definitely be present in most peoples experience- anger, frustration, sadness, stupidity, loneliness, drained, exhausted, upset, a feeling of being flattened, low self-esteem, low self-worth and a sharp decrease in motivation. Now coping with all of this on top of a regular daily struggle with depression and anxiety anyway intensified every single element. I knew that my old coping mechanisms would prove worthless here, turning to a couple of bottles of alcohol or a bag of white powder would do nobody any good especially not myself lest I would end up stuck in the same repetitive cycle which is still also a frequent battle however through this scenario I have handled that aspect well.

After all of this almost coming to an end in terms of the whole reason I moved and finally getting paid the money I feel compelled to ask myself what have I learned? What do I do next? What will be my next focus? I think from all of this I have learned to be more vigilant in regards to jumping at any chance to try and get as far as I can quickly, I’ve learned that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side- maybe the same would be true in leaving again however here I need to start from scratch again anyway. I have also learned that if there are warning signs, even instinctive warning signs they usually turn out to be under good judgement- Upon reflection, all the warning signs were there but I put this down to being a bit paranoid.

In terms of my next steps, there’s a few ideas floating around- at the top of this is moving back to Glasgow, when there is an opportunity of which I feel is most suited to my personal skills and abilities. I don’t think I want to pursue any further prospects here as everywhere I look reminds me of how I changed over the years and want to continue to do so. Not feel stuck in a time capsule or some form of nostalgia trip. At the time the move from Glasgow to Dundee was great on paper and in my mind however as everything began unravelling and slipping to the sides I seen no more than a rushed decision to escape from minor elements of my life in Glasgow, ones which could have been addressed and overrun, fought and buried. Instead all I had done was flee. The difference in mind set between Glasgow and Dundee was that although my anxiety was a lot higher in Glasgow it seemed to propel me and drive me to get things done, whereas Dundee just feels the opposite- stuck in a comfort bubble, there’s no need to do anything urgently in my mind. That’s why I feel I may be best returning- almost like returning to the scene of a crime however there was no crime only unaddressed issues, temptations and to be completely honest things I could easily have changed, altered or eliminated.

I guess from now the most important thing is to push myself into a more positive mindset for the next few months, who knows my mind may be different by then and I may want to pursue a different path. All I know at the moment is I just need a lot of mental rest as my mind and body feel exhausted from the heightened emotions, tensions and battles with my own brain over the past while. Until the next time it’s time to enjoy Christmas and New Year, then see what my labyrinth of a mind is doing.