Dan Daiquiri

This post was written over two drinking sessions in which I was very intoxicated. Thus the readability may be a bit difficult or it may not make total sense but it encapsulated well how I felt pretty much everytime I drank

It’s became quite strange, it’s like the more aware I am of how I used to live and actively change it I am also drawn to focus on how diminished my social skills have become. Not necessarily in terms of seeming like a social recluse but I am a lot more in a mindset of not knowing how to react or talk in situations. Everywhere you look, people having a good time- “Why can’t I do that?”, “Why can’t I socialise without getting obliterated?””, “Why am I not normal?”, “Why can’t I find time to regroup my thoughts to understand myself?”. “Do these people understand themselves?”, “Are these people actually having fun?, “Is this it?”.

I know that over the years I pissed a lot away, and recently I’ve been building, building the foundation for my future self to not walk down the usual route. I am always told of how I should not be so hard on myself but the reality of it all is that I myself have spent too much of my life focussing my time in the wrong places and whether that be where my next drink would come from or something similar I never possessed the normal foundation or structure to my life. Then again perhaps that’s what the life of a millennial is actually all about, always feeling you aren’t enough, will never be great or will never achieve what you dream of mainly due to the fact we are constantly subjected to the feeling we are constantly missing out on something due to social media and because of this we never feel content, like well and truly content.

Now the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and I am well aware of how shit life can be and there always seems to be a better scenario you can find yourself in however do not throw yourself into something not being absolutely sure. I say this in regard to my last post obviously regarding moving back to Dundee and I guess it pretty much still stands although I now know that by understanding “the grass isn’t always greener” process I would not necessarily end up better off anyway and lets not lie, what money do I have to start again? I pretty much burned my finances to the ground by moving the first time, imagine taking another risk. Now I never wanted to return here, that much is true but I don’t want to dwell on things I cannot change because that has been my ultimate method of having fun over the past couple of years- like some form of ultimate torture, feeling like you are nothing but everyone telling you how well you are doing- anybody who regularly experiences this knows how much it destroys all form of perspective on thyself. Feeling like a hollow cocoon of the person you once were, but the truth be told I was never that much of a real person. I was infact quite the opposite I guess the thing is I had waves and waves of fake friends where now I cleverly filter who I talk to. Although this “Clever filtering” is not actually a thing, it is a cross between not getting myself caught up into the same lifestyle I once left and not having the energy or desire to re-establish myself with people I once knew guised as a conscious choice to better myself.

I know that everybody has a different perspective, people not being 100, I never understood why people ever left, I know now it was me pushing- pushing people away…