Dan Daiquiri

Bus Thoughts 5/1/19

Even over the past 48 hours I have felt infinitely better than the past couple of months- actually let me rephrase that to “past while” as the term couple of months has a mental association to a period of time I spent unhappy yet inept to change.

Now let’s not lie here, my track record of highly volatile moodsets and emotional episodes kind of gave me a feeling deep down that things were gonna change soon. I could always tell as my senses heighten before the initial burst of motivation usually leading to a few positive changes and likely around one week of sobriety before slipping once more into my usual cyclical downward spiral of events. These events always did lead to prolonged periods of autopilot mode where nothing matters or excites, stimulates or ignites- spells of nothingness.

Well not this time, after spending the past month mentally preparing to make positive lifestyle choices after the dawn of the new year I had never felt more ready.

Five Days Since… 10/1/19

As I am writing this it has been over five days since the last piece of writing and in a breakthrough of epic proportions, my mindset has not once stooped under a manageable level. For one of the longest consecutive times I have felt great.

The jury was out and the verdict has passed- The whole reason I was forever miserable was my drinking or even worse so my constant desire to drink. For the first time in years I can genuinely say I feel free and happy, I am no longer longing- longing for things which only ever caused me pain, misery and always managed to blow things way out of proportion. It’s only once you truly purge the body of the intoxicants that once gripped you that you begin to see and feel a different world around you- A less complicated world. I ask myself “Why did I fall victim for so long without taking any action?”. To be fair I did “try” to help myself sometimes but I never fully understood there was more to feeling better than forcing myself not to drink or smoke- it was to rewire my brain, open my mind to the possibility that life as I knew it, was infact false- although it was never completely false or true. Everything in this life is in the mind of the beholder. A subjective reality differing from person to person and it was only through processing and understanding this I was able to see my life and my choices from above and break down where I was, why and ultimately rehape my goals and direction.

Now upon analysing my current pursuits and the focused route I am pursuing feels as though I am living somebody else’s life. When I look at the motivational factors which kept driving me further down this route I found that most of the time it was either;

To get really drunk OR To feed my own ego.

Fundamentally these are not positive motives both of which are not measurable, realistic or a true reflection of who I am or what I stand for. Maybe to some extent it reflected the false image of myself I had created but that side has gone and now it does not reflect me. Somewhere down the line my true goal was overtaken and warped into something that no matter the outcome is destructive to myself.

My original goal written in a report writing task in 2013 stated something along the lines of

“I want to become a successful manager, move abroad then open my own bar”.

This was the overall gist of the piece of writing alongside a lot of mention of confidence and self-motivation which to be completely honest was all fronted anyway. Now I am in no way saying that I don’t want to achieve that goal however I guess I had never took into account what “successful” meant or anything. When I really think about it I made a generalised goal which sounded like what my tutor probably wanted to hear. If asked now “What is your main goal for the near future?”, I would likely say something along the lines of;

“I would like to travel the world to create and share experiences with other cultures to ultimately expand on my own knowledge and push my own boundaries”.

Now this isn’t necessarily career related, more of a life goal however it is the main driving force behind what I do and to reach the point where I feel I can truly begin this journey I must go back to my initial goal and find myself a new role. Not just for money, stature or the desire to be challenged but to really continue on my path it’s something I need to do. I do feel I have stagnated and introverted to an extent over the “past while” but now I feel my mind has awoken out of a temporary rest and now I am ready to take on a new challenge.

Changes are coming soon.