Dan Daiquiri

Looking forward to a new horizon with a fresh outlook and an air of positivity

Reclamation of my life and mind was one of the biggest perspective changes in my life. Traversing my brain from an extremely low point where nothing made sense, A point where you feel trapped- trapped in your own mind, a cycle unable to escape because you don’t know what escape looks like.

Quick spark another cigarette I’ll know what to do after that, why did I light this again I don’t even like the taste… now you mention it I don’t even enjoy the feeling- hearts pounding, head is dizzy. That release though, that feeling of calming down, if only I could slow my heart rate I’d be relaxed. Wait what was that feeling I was thinking of again? Maybe I should have a drink to take the edge off, how quick is too quick to drink this, I love the taste of this that feeling when the alcohol hits your throat. The feeling of confidence, the illusion to the outside world I’m an extrovert when I don’t really feel it… on the inside. That drink has gone to my head, we should catch up soon, I wonder what my life would be like if I had never drank, why do I feel like this, I hate myself. Why have I made so many bad decisions in life, could I have done things differently had I not been selfish? Is it me? Is it others? I want to be able to convey my feelings to others but don’t want to be seen as weak. Me? Weak? Don’t think so. Maybe when I finish this bottle and packet of cigarettes I can make a plan, and not before because it’s a round time to start afresh….

*** Cut to morning ***

I feel terrible, my mouth is so dry, head is pounding. I’m so miserable. I’m so sad. I’m so lonely. I’m just gonna lay here for another wee while until I feel okay. Surely if I just get up and get a glass of water I’ll feel normal again, eurgh my stomach feels worse now, my head is swelling. Why am I not normal? I’m gonna light another cigarette and figure out how to feel okay. My throat is in agony. What did I do last night? Better not check my Facebook, not after last time. No messages, again. Better lay down again. Is it 3pm already? I wonder what it’s like to not feel this way. I wanted to get up early today, no point in thinking about it now. I’ve missed breakfast and lunch- could possibly still slip in a decent meal for dinner? Actually I’m not hungry now I think about it. I’ll be fine. Better have another cigarette. I wonder when I will not be sad, I’ve felt like this for as long as I can remember- I wonder if it’s just me that feels like this, it must be- nobody can feel this terrible. I was doing so well, what happened? Where did I go wrong? I always thought I was strong, not easily influenced. Well I’m not drinking again, I need to sort my life out and pull myself out of this lull. That’s it, I’m not drinking or smoking again as of this very moment. Better check my phone and reply to the last message I received.

“What pub are you in?, Be there soon”

We are our own worst critics and our own worst enemies. A lot of us stuck in a repetitive cycle of despair or as quoted by Mark Manson “A feedback loop from hell” actually recognise that there are certain areas of our lives which can do with a shake-up however not many of us actually take the time to sit back and analyse all the details- How this cycle continues, The triggers at each stage and finally the method to break the chain. But the truth is the escape begins with the thought of escaping,

Now to escape the cycle it may sound simple to say “If drinking is making you feel miserable, why don’t you just quit?”, I guess to an extent that is what has occurred however as depicted above it never stays true if there is no real commitment to the cause. There also has to be a level of preparation to ensure that you stay true to your statement, this preparation includes debunking your own beliefs on the false benefits you have been conditioned to attribute to your own habits. I have never felt more content with a decision I’ve made and truth be told it is no real challenge- it is only the fear behind making lifestyle changes that leads us to believe we are sacrificing something great when really we are freeing ourselves from a burden.

There are two books I would highly recommend which helped me put destructive habits behind;

• “Easyway to stop smoking”- Allen Carr
• “Kick the drink…. Easily”- Jason Vale

Both of these books were extremely helpful reads and reinforced my prior desire to stop smoking and to stop drinking. Anybody aiming to give up either should try these books- I was sceptical as to how a book could help me with such addictive habits but I was proven wrong.

Not going to lie, having all of this free time is great and the amount of money not being wasted is unreal. The positive outlook on my life and lack of unnecessary criticism on myself have also taken effect on me, making me think logically and in a rational frame of mind. I no longer feel as stressed as I constantly did, life was constant stress- Too busy to do anything always rushing about, too busy to talk, too busy to finish my sentence, too busy to think. In the end that feeling was all created by myself and definitely had a link to my intake of nicotine and alcohol. Was this what I was missing out on?