Dan Daiquiri

Life is a funny thing, we go through periods of extreme mental strain and almost enter an autopilot mode. The same autopilot mode has carried me over a period of six months- a whole half year of almost being mentally shut off, unable to break free from the shackles of my own thoughts. Stuck almost in a feedback loop of my own negativity, feeling that the only thing I can actually do to repair myself is to keep going further and further down the hole. Maybe eventually somebody would pull me out, maybe. That was something that was also attempted, trying to find somebody who could help me out of my psychological paralysis but unfortunately these things never work for me. I was destined to walk alone, at least for now. I live my life very selfishly, I am in no way a bad person merely misunderstood. My mind works on a different level too most, I have never quite put my finger on what exactly the different level is but I feel it- when I talk to people, when I am alone, when I am in a relationship, when I am simply having a coffee.

Over the years the only thing I really felt was keeping me sane was to occasionally have some form of blowout, this used to be in the form of alcohol or illicit drugs but as I progressed and developed myself past those vices I dropped the latter. I can safely say that within the past 10 months there has been no real use or reliance on any sort of illicit substance. However upon dropping one, the other escalated and it’s only now when I sit here and reflect on how out of control my attachment to alcohol became again. The very same instance has happened before, where my mind slips into a false sense of security then comes the inconsequential thinking and extremely poor decision making. I always gravitated towards alcohol misuse due to it’s numbing effects to assist in further blocking the unresolved aspects of my life which I simply walk away from. This is in no way a healthy way to live life. Over time the temporary numbing effect of alcohol and it’s increase in feeling super social takes it’s toll on you in some way or other, me? It numbed my mind even when sober and then replaced my social skills with an air of constant anxiety, throwing me down further and turning my own mind against itself.

I have further realised over the past week that to truly begin to repair and heal myself I must set out my own plan. The difference in this time from the last “moment of realisation” is that I am now aware that nothing good is ever going to come to you if you sit back and hope. Real progress and development can only be attained through really working hard for it- whether that’s in your personal life, mental health, career or even health. We can continue putting everything off until tomorrow, the day after, next week, month or year. Or we can come to the conclusion that nobody else but you can take them steps to better yourself.  We need to stop comparing ourselves to each other and fantasizing about having the perfect life, the perfect life is subjective and in reality does not exist. also comparing your lows with another’s high points is not a healthy way to live leading to a life of envy and jealousy. Be true to you, don’t fold in on the external pressures of what everyone else is doing, don’t worry about what others think because they do not care as much as you think they do, stop seeking happiness and instead create it from what you already have sometimes all it takes is a shift in perspective to realise that everything you need was there all along