Dan Daiquiri

Remember this moment, sitting knowing what is better for you rather than giving in to short term gratification- what I think I want rather than what I actually want. This exact mentality has been my downfall and misfortune for many years. It’s only now that once the smoke in my head is clearing that I remember the feeling of living a life mainly free of alcohol. I have one event on the horizon in which alcohol will be a prime focus however apart from that I feel I will steer clear of it massively. It’s definitely what’s best for myself no matter how others twist it or try to convince me, one is never one not until my self-control has developed a bit further however it’s something that I never really tested, I always seemed to concede any challenge to my own willpower and justify it with some kind of absolute bull shittery.

Living with a feeling of control, possibly a liberation- broken free from the prison in my mind. Once again feeling as I would have imagined “normal” to feel. But then again that entire fantasy of normal does not infact exist and the reason I have infact made myself miserable over the years is because I refused to take responsibility for my feelings and emotions. All it takes is to truly want to learn the link between thoughts and feelings and begin the process of rewiring your brain. Easier said than done I suppose but I guess for these things small steps are necessary. Every element of disdain in my mind is combatable and able to be beaten, learn not to give in to the words of others and only follow through with what will benefit yourself. This is not selfish, this is survival and deep down that’s the true reason we make our decisions.

Meditation has really helped me outline quite a lot in terms of emotions I had previously felt and swept under the rug, but with this I also began to understand how little I knew how my actions affected others. How my lack of empathy and more importantly effort struck me down, time and time again. How people had loved me while I sat there and strangled the relationship, never giving them the time of day although they stuck with me through being me during them times. Always feeling I was too stressed, too tired, too busy all words we have used before to avoid situations but the thing was there was no reason to avoid anything- I just never wanted to give up my precious drinking/recovery time.

I had always done this to myself without realising and although now I am a very self-aware individual I did not possess the ability to see through quite how destructive my drinking habits were, I always had blinkers on especially when it came to relationships. In all honesty this came from not wanting to admit and battle my own addiction, and that’s truly what it was- theres no sugar coating it, I struggled for years of my life believing the world was against me, that one day something would change who I am, that just something could drag me out of being me…

All I ever thought about or cared about was getting absolutely rinsed or thinking about when I could. It’s only now in honest reflection that it all becomes clear- The issue was always me, no matter how much blame I tried to shift on an unlimited number of variables at any given moment- it was always my doing. I was too blind too see my own cues, too deaf to hear the suffocation of something beautiful.

Looking back in reflection of this time last year when I was gearing up to move back to Dundee, it is actually hilarious how I worded every post on Instagram. By the phrasing and how it was written I was always blaming others, blaming the city, anybody but myself for my own mental stress. I know this wasn’t the case now in retrospect however I guess at the time my mind was not clear and I was unable to see the bigger picture of my life. The one in which I was always the issue and I was too blinded by my own addiction. So that is why I must return, as I am no longer blinded and have held myself accountable for my own mistakes and my own failures. However it’s not all doom and gloom as the level of life experience, lessons and also professional experience I’ve gained in Dundee has been immense but it just is not where I should be.

I guess the journey as a whole has been a positive one- in regards to outcome and lessons learned. But on the other hand the real deep shit and experiences I’ve endured over the last year has been insane. Too much to even type in one place. The feelings and emotions which I was unable to process usually lead to self destruction however this time they created a new mechanism. I will rise like a phoenix once again, ready to take anything on. I just need to really push this time, I’m already on the right track…