Dan Daiquiri

ITS BEEN A WHILE OLD FRIEND. OVER A YEAR AND A HALF TO BE PRECISE, AS TIME PROGRESSED AND THINGS IN LIFE CHANGED IT GOT HARDER AND HARDER TO UPDATE MY BLOG. FEELING LIKE TOO MUCH TIME HAD PASSED TO JUST PICK UP WHERE I’D LEFT OFF.

I’M FINALLY READY TO COME BACK TO WRITING.

The following writing was done on 7/3/20… I have no idea of the context but I’m very sure it will have been amidst one of my standard meltdowns. I found this saved on my desktop and it was completely forgotten about until I was getting round to finally updating this blog once again. Funny how things pan out:

“Back to square one, the factory reset”

You get to a stage where you build up from the start, ensuring that you take the time out before starting again. From starting the new journey, you get the building blocks to lay a foundation believing that this time your outcome is going to be different- because why wouldn’t it be if you have altered your outlook and method from the last time. Then at some point down the line, unconscious to your own awareness the very same actions and reactions occur and before you know it- there you are. Caught up in the storylines again, tangled in the falsities created in your own mind.

Although the way in which this differs is this time it was caught early, the realisation of the process behind the usual circumstances and triggers which usually lead to the infamous demise.

So what now? Well I don’t need the full blowout treatment- that never ends well or well it never ends. In the constant loop between health kicks and full scale self-sabotage on a mass scale. It never was the healthiest way to live, and it was never the way I wanted to live my life. Pretty crazy how one day you can wake up, and that’s when it all changed. What’s even crazier is to think that one day you’ll wake up and wish that you’d done everything you dreamed- or even worse the day when you go to sleep and don’t even make it.

I’m now a firm believer in making the most of your time in this life, I think it’s a stereotypical ideal to come into fruition as you approach thirty years old. Although the truth is I wasted a lot of my time, working myself into the ground, doing seventy hour weeks and only being paid for forty, lying in bed all day scrolling through my phone hoping that will give me the answer to my feeling of incompleteness, instead it adding to my anxieties and insecurities. Filling that hollow feeling by drinking through every waking moment of my free time, although this was the one infact creating that hollow feeling- also resulting in a vast need for attention in someway or other, creating alternate realities in the mind which don’t actually contain a shred of truth, mixing a strong feeling of worthlessness and frustration and often culminating in suicidal daydreams with no intention.

I’m also now a firm, believer in Karma, that the energy you give out into the world also comes back. Not just in the classic- hurt someone and be hurt, love someone and be loved but more in the sense of you can lie around all day hating on everyone and everything wanting your life to change, wanting to be somewhere else or in some way wanting something you do not currently have. This is the biggest mistake people make and can spend their whole lives stuck in this cycle, and although they may experience slight hits of serotonin through their life- it’s never going to match the full scale of feeling, living and breathing. The deeper you get into philosophical ideals and meditation, the more you understand the concept of the universe- I do believe in things happening for a reason, and meeting people for a reason as undiscovered as it is to you yet every person you’ve met has a purpose or a valuable lesson to teach- so what does that say on how you should treat others.

Maybe it’s all a lot of shit, none of it matters anyway.

“Man is a little germ that lives on an unimportant rock ball that revolves around a significant star on the outer edges of one of the smaller galaxies. But on the other hand if you think about that for a few minutes, I am absolutely amazed to discover myself on this rock ball rotating around the spherical fire. It’s a very odd situation! And the more I look at things I cannot get rid of the feeling that existence is quite weird”

Alan Watts

And just like that, life changed….……”

It’s pretty wild to think that this particular piece was written a mere sixteen days before the original Covid lockdown was announced and came into full effect in the UK. Unbeknownst at the time, this will have directly impacted how I came out of it.

Rather than imploding, folding in like a deckchair and indulging in every destructive habit I could. I instead took the time to truly delve deep into my own mind and reshape my values, decoding years of learned habits and destructive thought cycles. Sure there were times over the four months where I slipped off the path slightly but I soon found my footing again.

Discovering a newfound feeling of freedom, nay liberation from the prison of my own head albeit in strange situations and an unsure, unstable world around us. This liberation called for me to confront past versions of myself and unbox and unpackage some truly deep shit from my mind, but once it was all done I felt free again.

In six months I’ve went from a point of absolute despair and burnout to that of absolute joy and realisation of my true self.