Dan Daiquiri

I’ve always sought answers to my problems but never took the time to journey to the source. Scared to show emotion and also unsure of how to process anything. Stuck in an infinite void, self-medicating as my temporary fix to the ever-prevalent traumas swept to the side. Put in a heap to compost with the rest of the things I’ve just left behind in life, with no resolution or no thought.

A feeling washed over me, similar to relief with a hint of joy in there. A tickle in the middle of my chest and very light tears in my eyes, I did cry a bit, a few rolls down the cheek and a brief outburst. I’ve always seen myself now as a separate entity from the little boy in the pictures, I’ve often referred to my childhood as another life. But something happened when I looked in the mirror and then briefly towards the picture of me at 4 years old stuck to the mirror, I felt the connection, I felt like I have to look after him. Such an innocent wee kid, very smart too. He craved attention a lot but made everybody laugh with his very silly quips and energetic presence. He only ever wanted to feel included and loved deeply and although he was loved he never was able to see it. From his early years, life never really felt normal and although as he grew older, he told himself it was and for years he believed this. It’s only now as I see the gray hairs poking through, that I know this was fabrication to protect myself. The gray hairs a token of repressing feelings and connections to myself and of those around me.

The thing that changed today is, I felt it. Self forgiveness and acceptance, a duty of care.

I spent years holding myself back, believing that I needed to constantly be surrounded to be loved and to be with people to be validated. Scared to try new things and go new places alone. Locking myself within a contained environment to protect myself but why protect myself when there was no threat? I never realised how far into a deep depression I was. Today feels different, it feels fresh and the air feels clearer even through my bubblegum vape. I’ve never felt this in tune with my emotions and my perceptions.

Dear Daniel,

This is a letter from future you at 30 years old, I know crazy right? I just to let you know a few things which will help you along your journey in life.

The first thing is, you are loved, I know it may not feel it but everybody around you does love you and you don’t always need to go searching for it. You’ll do that a lot in your life until where I am right now. But always looking for that love and validation doesn’t lead to happiness and I know that’s what you want in your heart. As you grow older you may feel like you need others around you to feel loved but that is not true. Learn to love yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. You are a great wee kid and full of potential, always smiling and laughing. Don’t let your constant search become your struggle.

You’ll experience great times in life, and some very difficult times throughout your life. But don’t let these define you and take over your entire perception of life. You’re a smart boy and you’ll figure it out. But it’s okay not always know the answers to things, you’ll always want to be right and that’s not how we learn. It’s okay to put your hand up in school and be wrong sometimes, that’s how you learn the correct answers. It’s also okay to tell people how you feel inside, no matter if it’s good or if it’s bad. The people around you love you and nothing will ever change that, if you need help just ask for it.

Sometimes there will be times when you are scared to stand up for yourself or to speak up against something you don’t like. You may get picked on in high school for a bit, stand up for yourself but be peaceful. But do not allow it to bubble under the surface because it’ll all come out at once and show itself later in your life. In these times, instead of saying nothing or avoiding that confrontation. Step into it, and you’ll thank me later, try to not run from things. Learn how to feel emotions and describe them early on, it will make you a very strong person when you are older.

Along the way, you will make mistakes but we all do. Learn from them and move on, there is plenty out there in the world and yes mistakes happen, but there are also loads of fun things to do out there, as I said: It’s okay to be wrong sometimes. Just enjoy yourself, otherwise you’ll get to 30 and feel like you’ve missed out on a lot.

I know I haven’t really ever looked out for you before, because I’ve always been so caught up in my own problems. I’m sorry to have never acknowledged you as I should have. Stay strong and ask for help if you need it, look out for those close to you and never give up.

You are loved and you are enough,

Dan x