Dan Daiquiri

Here I am, forever writing in the past tense. In a whirlwind of trauma dumping and healing in the process. What’s going on now, who am I and what am I thinking about? I guess by now you’re filled to the gunnels with stories of ether and ecstasy, but who am I presently?

I’ve always been depressed but I guess now with all of the self healing I’ve been doing it’s not as much of a prevalent factor than it once was. I genuinely feel like I’m getting there. I did once seek help, but I always wanted to conquer this demon myself and I feel I am.

Within the waves of negativity I found that it’s easy to be a nihilist, to shrug it all off and believe that nothing really matters. The reality being that our perceptions are often built on external factors that we’ve been brainwashed by, hoodwinked into thinking that the world is a horrible place full of misery and suffering. Our ways of looking at the world are mere concepts, and we’ll never collectively fully grasp the full interconnectedness of the universe.

I feel it within me, buried deep within that I was made for more on this planet, to give more and help others. Maybe the incessant drinking is to quell my brain, a tool in which I glued to, to give me inner peace. I’m very much aware these days as to how it negatively impacts me, however it’s extremely difficult to get a grasp on when the entire life you built now revolves around the very thing I want to cut from my life. Maybe one day I’ll strike the balance. Perhaps “slàinte” is a toast to forgetting and trying to move on, whilst simultaneously floating around in the moment in a sea of thoughts. Transience and tranquillity clouded by a mask of intoxication.

I don’t know what my life goal is, my calling. Maybe it’ll come to me in a dream, maybe not. I need to break out of this impossibly difficult protective layer I’ve encased myself in. Too scared to try anything new in fear of looking stupid, too scared to fail and always striving for perfection. The first a result of years of bullying, the latter from trying to evade my negative perceptions of myself. Both meshing together and forging a bond, growing stronger the further down into my own consciousness I go. One thing has become entirely crystal clear from my journals and that is my dysfunctional relationship with absolutely everything.

The crazy situations and life events I’ve witnessed and instigated couldn’t be calculated if I tried. I’ve had great fun over the years and I guess I always took it out on myself that I loved going out and causing a bit of madness. Deep down I know that all I wanted over those traumatic years was love and to be loved. Never quite grasping that the most powerful form of love you can have is with yourself. This misunderstanding of self was also paired with a lack of empathy in which I used to think I didn’t feel anything, however this can’t be further from the truth. I feel everything intensely and to articulate this at times is problematic but something I’m working towards day by day. One step at a time

I was forever running from myself and trying to distract my mind, constantly to avoid having to deal with my inner horrors. The feeling of inadequacy is always there and the feeling of being overlooked is buried deep within the ego. I spent years trying to kill myself in a respectable manner, by poisoning my body and trying to take myself out the equation- a socially acceptable suicide. In reflection, I’m so proud of my body and mind, their endurance is truly a marvel.

Time is a fickle thing and I spent so much of it somewhere else. The present is a beautiful experience. It’s cray how we can spend so much time in the past, trying to formulate a future. Yes there’s planning, but to live consistently anywhere but the present is psychopathic. I done this religiously trying to figure out how I’d figure it all out, but to no avail.

Always looking for an answer, searching for a reason. Never quite understanding that it was all about the journey with no destination. Life is about the little coincidental moments all adding up, never quite making a story but slowly weaving a flow.

I had a dream a few weeks back which stuck with me. I was with an important person in my life, and we both glanced at the moon however it was clouded by a triple rainbow. What did the triple rainbow signify? I know it resonated deep down within me and invoked a strong emotional response, even in my dream I welled up in a flood of tears. But I was unable to articulate what I was feeling, to what depths it went and where it was drawing from. I know one day I’ll figure it out and feel that emotional connection once again.

I guess I never thought about it at the time but the narrative was likely healing. Processing the inner pain and repressed emotions is an arduous affair. A task which would be miniscule had they been dealt with at the time but growing up in this generation there was never any real help in dealing with your emotions. Parents unequipped themselves to deliver any sort of assistance due to continuous ignorance over generations. The whole shift in society now is quite a beautiful thing where slowly but surely hope crackles through the night sky and maybe some generation soon we will acknowledge the fragility of the human brain and consciousness.

Thank you for reading, my ramble is over but the fight is not. I’m currently removing all distractions slowly but surely and moving into this new phase of action. I spent years consumed by my own depression and was consistently trying to figure out what I’m doing next, what that next big score was. I never once took a second to look around me, to look at how beautiful the sun is as it beams through the cracks in the trees. The radiant feeling deep inside as you see it, the wind on your shoulder. This life is beautiful.

Something has clicked, life feels lighter