Dan Daiquiri

We spend most of our lives seeking the approval of others, aiming to please the expectation you believe they have of yourself, however the truth is most people would rather see happiness than not and the important thing is to do what you want and not what you think others want to see.

I need to put thoughts down on paper as I always have so many thoughts flying around my head. I guess I always told myself I’d be a mad CEO of some hotel chain or something but the truth is the chances of that are so low, I reckon the actuality of the situation would be me- in a worse mental state than I was in whilst at university. I know that since I decided to leave I have not felt this great in forever- free if you will. Free to do what I want, free to focus on other things rather than have the big cloud of studying and writing essays lingering over my head.

This wouldn’t be so bad had I had a clue what I was ever doing whilst at university, it’s like I missed the memo, hitting and hoping as I blagged my way through third year and by the time I’d made it to halfway through 4^th year I realised that I couldn’t keep blagging it, that I had to start living my life by my rules. Doing what I felt was right, to benefit myself. Not in a selfish self-centred fashion, instead to live in a realistic life- not one focused on hoping one day I’ll make it big. Making it big in my eyes was my goal however now I know I can still make it big, without having excessive wealth or power. The true “making it big” is being an inspiration, a teacher, a person who can express their creativity.

I guess as far as I care to remember I’ve always drank, and my mind puts the idea to have a drink there when usually somebody has an urge to have something to eat. This has never really worried me as alcohol calms me, calms me to a point in which I can think and react without overthinking anything. However, over the years it lead me into some pretty dark places, some tough spots and I seem to never learn to control myself, to compose myself and react in an acceptable manner. With this also comes the overwhelming fear, like beyond description- the kind of fear in which makes doing absolutely anything a challenge. Sometimes getting out of bed is an achievement. The way in which I have manifested into this point is not through some sort of crazy thing that’s happened during my youth but instead a self-inflicted pain through trying to be the centre of attention,  this will be conquered and I know the journey will be tough, I need to just get my act together and drop the old habits- there’s more to life than going out and getting myself obliterated to a point in which reactivates my depressive side, the side which has landed me in high levels of debt- trying to live the high life than living within my means.

So realistically the sensible thing to do now is set some future goals, achievable goals- not to focus too far in the future that they seem unattainable however some short-term goals to avoid the feeling of not being challenged which usually leads to boredom, thus leading to my repetitive mannerisms. New Year seems like the perfect time of year to reinvent myself, that is when the journey will begin- don’t expect to see failure.